Once words get into your brain, they can hold lots of power over your life.
Here are short stories of 3 words that held power over my mind.
Joe was in a lot of back pain weeks before his back surgery. I was up at least once a night helping him switch positions. Once he got comfortable again I would go sleep in the guest bedroom.
One night he woke up twice in excruciating pain. After getting him settled for the second time I flopped on the bed in the spare room and had one of my talks with God. (This is where I do all the talking and none of the listening.)
I told God I did not understand why he was not answering my prayer for Joe’s healing. Why was he still in pain? Please heal the pain even if it means he has to go live with You. I will muddle through somehow.
The morning after he passed, Rommie jumped on my bed and was all happy and excited because Mom was home after being gone 29 hours. I told her “Daddy is not coming home because he died last night. I am not sure what will happen to us but we will be okay, I do not know how but we will be okay.”
My anthem after Joe passed became “I Will Survive.” Not sure how soon after his passing I adopted this anthem, it might not have been until 2009 when I got laid off. My thinking was since I survived the first year of widowhood, I can survive unemployment as well.
The key word in my prayer was “muddle.”
The key word I spoke to Rommie was “okay.”
The key word in my anthem was “survive.”
Muddle, Okay and Survive – nothing good can come to you when you live by those words.
Merriam Webster (m-w.com) defines muddle:
to think or act in a confused aimless way
Yes, that describes my life since Joe passed. There were moments of clarity (like when I started this blog) but most of the past 6 3/4 years, I’ve been muddling or as another M-W.com definition
to make a mess of
Merriam Webster defines Ok as
fairly good : not very good or very bad
That also describes the past 6 3/4 years – not very good and not very bad. They were neither because of my muddling.
The definition for survive is:
to remain alive or in existence, to live on, to continue to function or prosper
Yes, I continued to function, to remain alive, and remain in existence, since Joe’s passing and the onset of career upheaval. But that is it – survive, barely keeping my head above water.
This “Dancing Queen” has nothing against Gloria Gaynor and her song. Lord knows it helped me dance again during troubled times. There are times when grief is fresh that one focuses solely on surviving but surviving is not a good theme for one’s life.
Well life changes this year.
Muddle, okay and survive are Gone With The Wind.
They have to be.
I can no longer barely survive.
Stay tuned on Monday January 5th when I will reveal my word of the year, a word I’ve already started focusing on and making a part of my life.