How The Lock Down Has Messed With My Brain

I am going to get real, I am going to get messy and I am going to get real messy.

JoyReturns was never intended to be a rose-colored glasses, Don’t Worry, Be Happy website. Yes, I hope that my adventures through widowhood will provide some joy, hope, and roll on the floor laughing moments as you learn what to do and not to do while building a new life.

However, sometimes life gets in your face. Jesus dealt with issues head-on and so will I.

This pandemic has me missing Joe more than normal. There is nobody to snuggle with on the couch watching Sci-fi or John Wayne movies and no one with whom to discuss this mess. If he were here, his head would have exploded along time ago over what has happened to this country. In a way, it is good he is not here.

March 28th was the 12th anniversary of a blood vessel bursting at the bottom of Joe’s brain. That is the night I had a nightmare about rape, murder, grocery delivery and running to a neighbor’s house. I woke feeling very afraid for my life. The feeling penetrated all the to my core.

I’ve had 4 more nights of dreaming, but not remembering my dreams, and waking up with fear, dread, and anxiety. I’ve had to take a couple of 1/2 days off work to regroup.

Not sure why the brain is doing this because I know:

  • Jesus walked out of the tomb.
  • God is still on His throne and always will be.
  • The Holy Spirit is at work in people.
  • This closure will not last forever.

The virus does not scare me as I know Psalm 139:16 is true, our days were numbered before the world began.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
    the days that were formed for me,
    when as yet there was none of them.

Psalm 139:16
English Standard Version

I will go live with Jesus at the appropriate time and not a second before or a second later.

My concern is the slow destruction of this country. The founding fathers saw a country run by citizens and not big government. I understand President Trump has put together a committee to oversee the reopening. At least it is a start. There is an end in sight.

If I who am employed in logistics is feeling this mental anguish I can’t even begin to imagine what the unemployed are feeling. Yes, I have experienced unemployment but not under these circumstances. To all the unemployed may God bless you in unbelievable ways.

Just so you don’t think I am unable to see joy in this day, here is what I found:

  • Great conversation with my friend – via telephone.
  • Being able to take time off.
  • The wren’s returning to their home in my gutter after hunting worms all day
  • The maple tree on my tree lawn still standing after high winds. (20-40 mph with gusts up to 60 mph).
  • The golden lining in the silver clouds as the sun sets.

Now it is time for pizza, Pepsi, and McArthur Park (Donna Summer’s version) because what pizza, Pepsi don’t cure – disco will. 😀

Bio: Michele Kearns is the founder and HUG© (Hope Unites Globally) Award-Winner of JoyReturns. She shares her widowhood adventures hoping to inspire widows to move through grief and rebuild their lives. A graduate of Kent State University with a Bachelor’s degree in communications, she’s currently using those skills as a virtual logistics contact center representative for a Fortune 100 company. She’s also managed call center teams, co-facilitated a grief support group, and helped small businesses with various writing assignments. Michele is a bookworm, and a lover of history, music, chocolate, red roses, and golden retrievers. She is also the amateur photographer behind the blog OgleOhio.com

3 thoughts on “How The Lock Down Has Messed With My Brain”

  1. Your desire to cuddle someone and be with someone definitely points to one fact i.e. you are still awesome despite Joe passing and that he’d want you to be happy. I pray for someone to come in your life to fill those empty moments with love. ❤✨

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