Note – I debated over whether or not to publish this post due to how the information effected me. However, I decided to take a chance since this blog is about my adventures through widowhood and beyond.
Shock & Awe
After Joe died I went to my doctor for a physical. Once she found out about Joe, she said the odds of my becoming ill and dying within two years were great.
She did not say how great and I was too shocked and chicken to ask but I definitely got the impression it was greater than 50%, maybe more like 80%. Talk about shock and awe!
This was just what I wanted to hear at a young age.
I knew that sometimes spouses died close together, as in the case of my Great-Grandpa and Great Grandma Evans. However, they had been married for 50 years Joe and I were only married 14 years.
The First Two Years
So for the first two years I lived with that knowledge in the back of my head. Sometimes it crept into the front and then I would have to find a way to push to the back.
The best way to pushed it into the back was to tell myself once Joe got to heaven, if God told him that I would be joining him within 2 years Joe would throw a temper tantrum. He would tell God off. Joe was insistent that I go on with life and that meant dating and remarrying. There is no way he would tolerate me dying young.
Besides, Joe would also not want me to leave our daughter, Rommie (a golden retriever) without a parent.
When It Weighed The Most
It was tough enough working through grief, but having that thought running around in my mind complicated my grief recovery.
It especially weighed me down after I got laid off. I figured since it had not been two years yet, maybe I was not going to find a job because I am going to be dead by the second anniversary.
Then I would once again remind myself that Joe would not tolerate my dying young.
The 2nd Anniversary
Needless to say, once the second anniversary of his passing got here, I was elated. I had beaten the odds and was still alive! Yahoo! My mind felt a lot freer and clearer.
Still keeps a close eye on me as she knows I have been under stress not only due to Joe’s passing but also because of the stress of my previous job and then being laid off.
God willing I will continue to be healthy and live a long life here on earth torturing my relatives! Just kidding – I love my family and when I say my family, I also mean Joe’s family. Even though Joe is gone, they are and always will be family.