About a month ago I got a newsletter from Christina Rasmussen founder of Second Firsts, Inc.  Her post was about the ghost grief leaves behind – unworthiness. I agree unworthiness becomes a part of your life once you are widowed.  However, I do not believe unworthiness is the ghost of grief.

Instead unworthiness is a label society brands you with after your husbands passing, especially at an age society considers young.

2 Unworthy Experiences (names changed to protect the guilty) Here are just two examples of how I saw and heard it since Joe’s passing 5 years ago.

#1 Unworthy Due To Being A Young Widow

One time I was told:

“Just do the cosmetic housework as your time and money budgets will allow and everything will get done.” 

Translation – you are not worthy of having people help you with painting, wall-papering, electrical, gardening and other stuff needing done because you are young. You have all the knowledge, talent, strength and stamina to do it yourself.

#2 Unworthy Due To Being An Unemployed Widow

Early in my period of extended unemployment, which started 1 year after Joe’s passing,  Samuel asked me about my experience. I told him my most recent experience was in collections. He stated his best friend Mitchell worked for a company looking for collectors and he would ask if Mitchell would get my resume to the right person. A week later Samuel told me Mitchell said

“tell her to apply online, tell her to apply online.”

When Samuel asked:

“you mean there is nothing you can do to help her?”

All Mitchell continued to say was:

“tell her to apply online, tell her to apply online.”

I did not expect Mitchell to get me the job but there are a couple things he could have done.

• He could have called H.R. or the hiring manager and tell them Michele Kearns is a former collector and applying online, please take a look at her resume.  I do not know her but heard about her through a friend.
• He could have me come in and meet with me for 5 minutes before calling Human Resources.
• He could have faxed my resume over to human resources or the hiring manager.

Once Human Resources got my resume and if they determined I was not a fit for the company, they might have known someone at another company to whom they could refer me. This is the way we need to help people in today’s economy.  It is all about getting people connected to the right people. It’s the

“So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.”  

Matthew 7:12 (NIV)

attitude.

End Result

I did apply online and my resume got sucked into a black hole as I never heard from the company. It was all for the best.  Why do I want to work for a company whose employees are unwilling to help people in need?

The Care and Feeding of Unworthiness

Christina raised the point that “unworthiness” needs to be fed.  Yes it does need fed and society does a good job of feeding  ”unworthiness” to widows through their words and actions.   They look at widows as though we have cooties and what happened to us, will happen to them if they associate with us.

What You Need To Do

Feed yourself positive information. Society will not do it for you.  Seek out books, websites, articles and newsletters to help you build your self-esteem.  Find positive, caring people who realize your worth and will help you stay positive.  They are out there but are hard to find.

Don’t See Yourself As Worthy?

Well, here’s what I see in you:

• You want to get through this grief journey.
• You realize the only way out of this journey is through, you can’t go over, up, or around grief.
• You are willing to do the work necessary to get through your journey.
• You will be able to resolve any problem that comes your way once you get through grief.
• You are strong, as going through a grief journey is not for wimps.
• You are filled with perseverance.
• You will be filled with joy, because experiencing grief increases your capacity to feel joy.

Even though you are a widow you are worthy and have much to offer this world despite what people will tell you.